Friday, June 8, 2007

Why do I think my own care is a waste of time?

I'm finally getting a CT scan today that I was supposed to have a few months ago. There was fasting bloodwork I was supposed to get done in February; I just finally got that done on Wednesday. Taking the time to do these medical things seemed wrong to me. I had way too much going on with both of my kids at the time, and I didn't feel right about diverting my time and energy to myself. Why do I feel guilty about spending time on myself? I frequently will make appointments for a doctor's visit, or to get my hair cut, or to go see a movie, and will have to reschedule it two or three times before it sticks. I gave up trying to have Tupperware or candle parties...the ladies who do these as businesses just got sick of my constant rescheduling needs.

Taking time for myself is something EVERYONE says I am "supposed" to do. Making it an imperative doesn't mean I'll actually accomplish it. Making it a "supposed to" just makes sure that I'll feel guilt for not having done it. Guilt--my own family's legacy. We still feel guilty for things my great-grandmother used to say. We still try to make up to each other things said, unsaid, done, undone, overdone, undercooked... And I am still feeling guilty for the way my kids were neglected two summers ago, or because I didn't spend a full 30 minutes reading to them yesterday. Do autism parents feel more guilt than typical parents? Maybe. Especially working autism moms. They get the double whammy of being a working mother (what mother ISN'T a working mother? Trust me, what I do is work!) and being a special needs mom who isn't hovering over their child for every possible chance to make the difference. But I think the autism parents feel a greater yank of guilt for what we choose not to do. The stories we hear of a family that sold their house, quit their jobs, and devoted each and every waking moment to their autistic child seem to shoot arrows into the hearts of us who don't have homes to sell or jobs to quit. And yet, shouldn't we be doing more and more? But at what cost to the rest of the family? So, I can use this kind of logic to force me to go to the doctor. If I am not well, if my health is neglected, how much less of me is there to devote to working on my family's needs? And giving my children all they can for their continued progress?

I have to start drinking barium in a few minutes. I'll stop posting now so I don't feel compelled to write about the texture and flavor of the goop. No one needs THAT.